Overcoming the loss of my 2nd baby.

" I was told that my baby was going to die and I  was given a choice to spend one day with him.

In that day my baby grew up and celebrated all his birthdays, graduated, got married. 

I got to see his first everything, all in just 24 hours.

After time was over my son flat lined and was taken away from me. 

Buildings started to separate like jigsaws and the earth below disappeared into nothing. I was balancing on buildings as they fell apart trying not to loose my footing.

I  started floating down.

Then i was in the middle of a field, wearing a white dress, crouched and sobbing, surrounded by nothing. 

Suddenly I was approached by a girl in a long white silk gown. She walked as if she was floating and had no face but she whispered in my ear. I followed her.

The girl took me to my childhood home. 

The outside was surrounded by golden grass which swayed softly in the warm breeze.

Outside the house, all my pets, that had deceased, were happily playing, gracefully bouncing.

The girl whispered to me and pointed to my house to go inside.

As I opened the door, I entered the living room and there was an old lady in a rocking chair cradling a baby.

She was humming and rocking back and forth.

I walked towards her and held out my arms.

The old lady passed me my baby and told me that he was safe and was no longer in pain and she will take good care of him.

I cradled my baby boy and told him I loved him. 

I handed back to the old lady and thanked her for looking after my boy. 

As I left the house the girl in white whispered to me once more. She told me that this was it, that I had to let him go  and that he is looked after but I cannot come here till its my time so was time for me to go. 

She raised her hand and placed it on my cheek and then everything went white"

Back in 2011 I lost my 2nd child when I was 36 weeks pregnant.

I never got answers, back then, as to why he died but I blamed myself for not counting his movements and for not knowing that my baby was suffering but also for not eating properly.
The pregnancy was tough and I had developed severe sickness through the pregnancy.
Because I was 22 stone at the time I was terrified of getting any bigger so I started starving myself whilst I was pregnant.
I ate enough to feed my baby the nutrients he needed and lost 3st.

The doctors had told me that his death was nothing to do with me starving myself because he was a healthy birthweight and the post mortem and blood test didn't show any signs of malnutrition.
I couldn't stop blaming myself though, for been so stupid.

I went into turmoil for weeks, messaging the doctors, asking why they hadn't listened previous weeks when I told them I'd had a tiny bleed.
They refused to scan me and if they had they would see that my baby's cord was wrapped around his neck in a 'true knot'

I started going in and out of hospital, after my loss, thinking I was dying but a massive part of me wanted to die.
My world was falling apart and I went to sleep pleading for answers and that I was sorry.

Then I had this dream.

Suddenly I felt relief.

I felt a sense of hope and smiled for the first time in months, knowing that my baby was in safe hands and no longer suffering.

I am not a religious person and never have been. I never believed in ghosts or limbo but this one dream made me wondered if their is some kind of afterlife.

I think my brain was just working itself out and my sub conscious showed me what I needed to see, what I needed to hear.

Who knows......

Gemma cheetham x

Wolfs

"I was at a party which was invaded by a wolfs, then I was on a construction site and I got scratched by a werewolf. There were diggers digging up the ground. Craig* was on the way to hospital to visit Jenny* (his wife). I sat in the middle of the construction and someone in a black hoody put there arm around me and gave me a hug. We sat there for ages till they pulled out a needle to tranqualisr me. I managed to escape and started running at super speed which turned into flying at super speed. I started to land in a fielded area with rainbows and clouds an the path was above my head rather than on the floor. The people who surrounded me were heading somewhere so I followed them. I saw the others had caught up so we ran into a crowd. I started scratching random people to turn them into wolfs. This man started shooting people in the crowd humming and counting so I grabbed his gun bent it back and stupidly scratched him. I started carrying people to safty. As I looked back he was transforming into a massive alpha wolf. My pack all started to fly to safety and as we got back to land I noticed a bug eating my hand. I ripped it off to uncover a hole and I could see inside my hand. There looked like a spider or something with eyes was in there so I take my other hand and start to try digging it out, I was screaming my head off. Then I saw everyone screaming. Huge claws were beginning to come out of there hands and I looked at mine but they were not developing as quickly as the others although I could feel them trying to come out. The ground crumbled and I fell into the abyss below and then I awoke."

* NAME CHANGES

Ok so as you can see I watch too much tv 😄
But I think on this particular day of the dream I had been told off or in an argument and felt like I was been attacked.
This was portrayed by the violence and wanting to escape the situation.
The hug from the figure was me just needing comfort.
Hugs are a cure for everything, even science studies show a hug can lift your mood. 🤗

The fact that the nobhead tried to tranqualise me after comforting me makes me think that I was feeling attacked or betrayed by the ones closest to me or someone I care for.
Could have been multiple people, which is why I never saw the face of the hooded person.

Wolves in dreams can represent all that is wild and “uncivilised” about ourselves. This can be a scary thing to confront.  What is wild is what our polite and safe day-to-day behaviour does not want to let out – what is wild can damage, hurt and upset.  But what is wild can also free, excite and release.  Wild can  be untamed and bad mannered, but wild can also be pure and uncorrupted.  Sometimes a wolf in a dream will be guiding us to find our true, authentic nature that we are afraid to reveal as we try to conform, but sometimes a wolf dream will be a warning that we are behaving too wildly, that we may be threatening something else that is important to us.

Ice-skating

*Please Note* dreams will be in italic text and names of people in my dreams have changed so that who I was dreaming about is confidential. Oh and a polite warning, please don't try and copy my dreams for your own.
Get your own dreams!!

"I'm 7 and ice skating on a frozen lake in front my crush. He is stood in the middle of the lake but isn't moving. As I skate upto him he suddenly drops through the ice and the Lake freezes over him.
I bang on the ice to free him but it was no use. He couldn't hear me."

Ok so even though my journals were destroyed, this was my first real memory of my dream as a child.
I wasn't a popular kid in primary school. I was one of those quiet fat kids that all the other kids were scared of incase I ate them.

I remember a lad there that was everyone's boyfriends (well everyone's except myself pfffffft) and this was him, in my dream.

I didn't no it then but after experiencing the same type of dream (Ice-skating) as i got older, I realised for me that ice skating in my dream was a sign of happiness.
In this particular dream though I think that even though I felt happy, gracefully skating around, I was wishing he would notice me and be my friend.
I think him falling into the lake was just wishful thinking for me because if he wasn't mine he wasn't anybodys 👿.

So their you have it. My 7 year old self and her graceful ice skating dream of trapping her crush in a frozen lake......🤗

For now

Gemma cheetham x

Basically a DrEaM journal 🖒

For most of my life I've lived some of the best and worst adventures in my dreams.

When I was younger I started to keep a diary of my dreams and as I grew older I started realising that, through the rough times my dreams were VERY vivid.
I'd often wake sweating, screaming, shouting and sometimes even sleepwalking.

Sadly a lot of my dream journals were lost after I moved into my own home and when I had my 1st born, back in 2009, I forgot what sleep was.
My days of keeping a dream log dwindled until my life spiralled out of control again.

I will not bore you all with my past.
Today is a fresh start.
A fresh dream journal.
At the end of the dream I will try my best to analyse it so if you yourself have a similar dream (which I doubt very much that your mind is as messed up as mine) then maybe I can help you figure out what your dream means and find you an escape.

Hence my blog name Dreamscape

Please don't call the loony bin too soon. I'm not as psychotic as some of my dreams may make me seem.

Much love

Gemma cheetham x