Overcoming the loss of my 2nd baby.

" I was told that my baby was going to die and I  was given a choice to spend one day with him.

In that day my baby grew up and celebrated all his birthdays, graduated, got married. 

I got to see his first everything, all in just 24 hours.

After time was over my son flat lined and was taken away from me. 

Buildings started to separate like jigsaws and the earth below disappeared into nothing. I was balancing on buildings as they fell apart trying not to loose my footing.

I  started floating down.

Then i was in the middle of a field, wearing a white dress, crouched and sobbing, surrounded by nothing. 

Suddenly I was approached by a girl in a long white silk gown. She walked as if she was floating and had no face but she whispered in my ear. I followed her.

The girl took me to my childhood home. 

The outside was surrounded by golden grass which swayed softly in the warm breeze.

Outside the house, all my pets, that had deceased, were happily playing, gracefully bouncing.

The girl whispered to me and pointed to my house to go inside.

As I opened the door, I entered the living room and there was an old lady in a rocking chair cradling a baby.

She was humming and rocking back and forth.

I walked towards her and held out my arms.

The old lady passed me my baby and told me that he was safe and was no longer in pain and she will take good care of him.

I cradled my baby boy and told him I loved him. 

I handed back to the old lady and thanked her for looking after my boy. 

As I left the house the girl in white whispered to me once more. She told me that this was it, that I had to let him go  and that he is looked after but I cannot come here till its my time so was time for me to go. 

She raised her hand and placed it on my cheek and then everything went white"

Back in 2011 I lost my 2nd child when I was 36 weeks pregnant.

I never got answers, back then, as to why he died but I blamed myself for not counting his movements and for not knowing that my baby was suffering but also for not eating properly.
The pregnancy was tough and I had developed severe sickness through the pregnancy.
Because I was 22 stone at the time I was terrified of getting any bigger so I started starving myself whilst I was pregnant.
I ate enough to feed my baby the nutrients he needed and lost 3st.

The doctors had told me that his death was nothing to do with me starving myself because he was a healthy birthweight and the post mortem and blood test didn't show any signs of malnutrition.
I couldn't stop blaming myself though, for been so stupid.

I went into turmoil for weeks, messaging the doctors, asking why they hadn't listened previous weeks when I told them I'd had a tiny bleed.
They refused to scan me and if they had they would see that my baby's cord was wrapped around his neck in a 'true knot'

I started going in and out of hospital, after my loss, thinking I was dying but a massive part of me wanted to die.
My world was falling apart and I went to sleep pleading for answers and that I was sorry.

Then I had this dream.

Suddenly I felt relief.

I felt a sense of hope and smiled for the first time in months, knowing that my baby was in safe hands and no longer suffering.

I am not a religious person and never have been. I never believed in ghosts or limbo but this one dream made me wondered if their is some kind of afterlife.

I think my brain was just working itself out and my sub conscious showed me what I needed to see, what I needed to hear.

Who knows......

Gemma cheetham x