Stage Fright

" I could control my dreams.

I closed my eyes and imagined walking through a door and I'm on a beach that's lovely and sunny but then it starts to rain and I'm running on sand but sinking into it and sky is dark, the water mucky and everything is disintegrating around me.

I see a house been torn up  and strewn across the place and Im stood opening my eyes, telling myself now was the time to wake up.

 

Everything suddenly went white and I awoke back to reality very shaky and palpations.

I then fell back to sleep and I was going on stage but I was in a wheel chair. 

When I got there the costume designers were saying I was too fat to wear anything so I had to make do with my modern dress up. 

I drove the wheelchair to bottom of a steep staircase and could see a full house through the gap in the curtain. 

Above the staircase the ceiling was painted like a sunny day. 

I try to climb the stairs but fall back down them as I slip on some artwork but as I fall I feel like I'm floating and land on my two feet an slouch into my chair and instead I go round back of audience squeezing through tight spaces."

Anxiety is a big part of my life as you can probably tell with a lot of my Dreamscape blog, from past and future posts.

The nice sunny beach scenery turning into a dark gloomy situation where I'm trying to run but sinking into the sand shows that maybe I was peaceful but then something upset me and made me feel down and teary and angry. 

Water particularly shows emotion. when the waters are calm and clear or light coloured then this is a peaceful happy sign.  Dark, murky, muddy water with crashing waves or drowing and also thunder storms with heavy rain shows some serious emotion.

I get these dreams alot because i hate to cry infront of people and hold my emotions in. My self conscious lets my emotions out whilst im sleeping, otherwise head go BOOM!

I work as an actress and even though I enjoy what I do, I still get nervous when it's my time to go on stage.
The second part of the dream mentions about costumes fitting. This is a big self image confidence issue I have.
I have suffered with eating disorders in the past and I'm always scared I won't fit into my costumes or that I won't look as good as the other members of the cast.

The "falling on the artwork" is showing that I feel I'm failing at the artistic side of performing arts.
Seeing the sunny scenery, up the stairs, then falling by floating and landing on my feet is reassuring me that even if I fail at something I feel that I'm good at, I will land back on my feet or someone will be there to catch me, which is why I sat back in the wheelchair.

Gemma Cheetham x